My Mental Gym

This is going to sound terrible... I'm drinking so I can finally feel something. I squelch my feelings so often, on instinct, that I don't think I really give myself a chance to genuinely feel anything anymore. And posting via iPhone is a pain, so I'll leave it at this for now. But man I wish I could finally feel something. I thought the final Harry potter movie would do it. I thought the final mash episode would do it. And yet... Here I am. Sober and unfulfilled. Dammit...

...to figure out what I wanted to say and how to say it. I'm sure you're frustrated because I didn't get back to you earlier and I said I would. Quite frankly text just isn't suitable - I type a lot faster here than on my damn iPhone.

So I'm just going to come right out and say it, band-aid style. I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me. I really wanted to - that was part of the reason I saw you the night of our birthday. I really wanted to see you and have that same "Aha!" feeling I used to have. But I don't, and sadly I don't think it's coming back. I still really care for you, but I care for you the way I care about my oldest and dearest friend. I want to see you happy, I want to be there to talk to when you need someone to talk to, and all that other clichéd jazz. You and I know each other better than we know most people/better than most people know us. I miss talking to my best friend and getting excited about books and movies and the geekier stuff that made us happy. But - and of course there's a "but" - I just don't have that romantic-thing going on anymore.

I guess I've known it for a while. Again, I really wanted it to come back. I wanted "us" to come back, and after all this time, it just hasn't happened.

"I'm sorry" seems inadequate but it's the best I can do.

P.S. I don't know if I said it properly but I would like to be friends with you. I do know that that's quite possibly impossible. Just thought I'd throw it out there, even if it happens a long time down the road.

Or, why did Courtney make the stupid post?

Because it was a thoughtless, careless, selfish, stupid thing to do in a vain attempt at catharsis. It was, and is, also the truth.  As I said, nothing hinges on it. I was feeling lonely, vented on my blog. Not the brightest thing I've ever done. Maybe it's partly me yearning for the simpler, easier days of yesterday... which sounds rather melodramatic but boy could I use a vacation from life lately!

Anyway, that's all besides the point. I should stop typing when sleep-deprived is more the lesson that should be learned here (says the woman typing at 6:15am...)

Title pretty much says it all. Either that or me = terrier - once I grab hold of an idea I don't let go easily. Apparently. I don't take into consideration anyone else's feelings either. I'm a big ol douchebag. I just plain suck, is what I do!

I should never have posted, or texted, or hounded you, or done anything I've done lately. I'm really sorry, really genuinely bottom-of-my-heart sorry. I just acted, I didn't stop to think. I was selfish, pure and simple.

I was going to say I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish, although  I do know, although again, selfish of me. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

No more. Yes, I know you've heard that before, but this time, it's for sure. For keepsies, if you will.

I feel like this post has been so pointless. Like it didn't convey what I wanted it to. I don't know how to fix it though. My  muse must be gone, I can't seem to find any words that fit right now. Which for me is hugely frustrating. Mayhaps a beer and changing out of my street clothes will help relax me some. Maybe it'll make the words flow.

All I keep thinking is how much of a jerk I am. Insensitive, jerky, dickwad... all those keep coming to mind. Not exactly elegant self-deprecations but effective nonetheless.

I'll go watch Gilmore Girls and marvel at how well Rory would have handled everything.

I don't remember if I posted this previously, but when I was at the hospital a couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Jo - that's what happens when your manager has to go to the hospital with you and you're conscious, you bond. Anyway. So Jo and I were talking and it struck me that I really wished I could have called you so you could be with me. I mean yeah, I won't lie, I also really wanted my parents there, because it was the first time I'd ever been hurt badly enough to go to the hospital and the concept of stitches freaked me out and I wanted my dad! But I also wanted you. Because you know my blood type, you were strong, you would have maybe been able to calm me down enough to get the stitches. In short, lying on a hospital bed made me miss you yet again. It also really made me question having green as a favourite colour, but that was a very brief tangent in my brain that evening.

Something else I don't know if I've actually put into words. I miss you. I know I've danced around that concept and given examples but I don't know if I've actually said those words.

Do you remember how our relationship started? Not the friendship but the relationship? We both knew what was happening but I was scared of ruining our friendship, so I took a deep breath and dove in and saw where it was going to go? I want that again. I've taken a deep breath. Now I want to dive and see where it goes.

I'm realising I'm not being eloquent here, or even making a lot of sense. I'm still degroggifying from a Nyquil sleep. Because once again, I have a cold. Or the start of one anyway. I'm pretty foggy-headed. Going to go make some coffee, see if I can get some thought processes going.

I work at 5 tonight and I close, then I'm out of the city until Thursday evening. Going camping at Sandbanks with a few girlfriends from work. I hope it's fun!

BTW, I miss camping with you, and portaging, and canoeing and swimming and tenting and fire-building. A lot.

As I was saying, I close tonight. I would never in a million years ambush you at your pub but I would really like to see you. I would really like to see you tonight.

And you know what, after all is said and done, I guess I just want to hear from you. You said in your text you didn't think us getting together was a good idea. Underneath all my rambling, I completely respect that. I guess, if it's the truth, I need to hear you say you want me gone, period. Gone altogether. And no, not as in "off the face of the Earth I hope you die" gone, but in the "let's agree to coexist in the same city without ever seeing each other ever again" way. If you told me that, if you told me you never wanted to speak to me again, then I would respect that. I know we've kind of danced around that concept, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, so if that's how you'd feel, I'd like you to tell me that again. Not that I'm in any position to ask anything of you, I know. And it doesn't even have to be a long message or conversation. But again, if you tell me to go away, I will. Conversely, if you come to the pub tonight or get in touch with me in some other way, well, that's a whole other story.

And now back to my couch. After I make coffee. Oh boy, gonna be a fun day if I don't snap out of this!

I've posted to my journal twice, and then recanted within 12 hours by making the postings private, so you wouldn't see them. I've thought a lot about you this week, since you told me you didn't think seeing me would be a good idea.

Can't say I blame you.

But I also said I was disappointed.

I wonder if maybe it came across that I wasn't willing to fight for what I wanted, that I was giving up too easily, which you might have seen as a sign that I didn't care.

Well, I do care, and I do still want to see you. A lot.

I'm toying with the idea of posting this to your journal, but I'm too chicken at this point. Maybe at some point while I'm doing laundry or mopping my floor tonight, I'll psych myself up and post. Maybe not. For the time being, I'm leaving this here. I'm also unblocking the other posts I've made. You probably never come here anymore, although I visit your journal often, to see if you've posted anything.

And in case you're wondering what's motivated me, well, here it is.

You were great to me. You were kind and gentle and sympathetic and loving and understanding and fun and you loved me. Oh god, did you love me. And I remember the days when I was so head over heels in love with you that I never saw anything getting in our way. And then I was stupid and I got blindsided and I let trivial things get in the way. Well, it seems trivial now. I think I needed that time, that time I neglected you and me and us. I needed to be young and stupid and drunk and make bad decisions (ew, ugly grammar there). I needed to do that because I'd never done it before. You know me, you know I was responsible and all that other shit my entire life. This was the first time I was able to be stupid. And I was! I was stupid enough to let things like alcohol and disposable people get in the way of the love of my life.

Yeah, you.

I'll never do any better than you because you were the best thing to ever happen to me. You wanted what I wanted. You wanted to marry me, you wanted to have kids with me, you wanted to live with me, you wanted to share your life with me. I wanted it all too, I think maybe I just wanted it at a different time than you, y'know? LIke remember how we had such a disconnect over even trying to move in together, because we weren't ready at the same time? I feel like a lot of things were like that. I feel like the last 2 years of our relationship was like that. i feel like we ended up in different places, mentally, and we broke up because the disconnect was so strong.

And I don't know if the disconnect is still so strong that we could never even hope to make it work again, but dammit, I want to try. Do you remember that time, after you came to my place and rescued me from taking a swan dive off my balcony, when you said that I kissed you back but that I was afraid to try?  I was afraid. I don't know why. And I know it was only a few months ago but it seems like an eternity in my head and I feel like I'm different now. I know I'm different now. I'm not afraid anymore. The walls are down. I'm open and wanting to try again.

Back when we first got together, it was easy for us. You remember what I told you, I'm sure. I told you that you had somehow sneaked under my defenses, under my walls, and gotten under my skin. Well call me exfoliated but it seems you're still under my defenses and under my skin.

And just in case you were wondering, no, this is not fueled by booze. This is me. Pure, unadulterated me. It's not just Courtney. It's Courtney, it's MeriKat, it's your darling, it's Elena, it's any of those other facets of my being that you knew me by/as. It's the girl who won the egg game the first Easter I spent with your whole family. It's the girl who did yoga poses in the whole you dug at Wasaga Beach, before I ended up wrapped in a towel because I was cold. It's the girl who sat on your lap all those nights and read through the forum with you. It's the girl who had her own toothbrush head at your place - with the little pink band. It's the girl who spent an hour on the phone with you one night while you played every single sound file associated with Diablo.

Except we're different now, you and I. And I can't see that being a bad thing. I think we've both grown and changed, but I still feel like we could at least sit together and talk and enjoy each other's company, without there being any competition or frustration or anger or disappointment. That's why I wanted to have coffee aka hot chocolate with you.

And on that note, I'm going back to doing what every gal wants to be doing on a Saturday night. Laundry and reading my book.

I still want to have coffee with you. I know I said I wouldn't bother you, and huzzah! True to my word I haven't! Because if you're here it means you came here, which is kind of like you reading a text I sent to myself.

It's my journal hence my logic applies. Such as it is anyway.

So anyway.

Please?

Not even coffee! Hot chocolate for you - with the little coloured marshmallows, yes! - and caramel apple spice for me. Because I'm addicted. Moving right along.

Please?

I finally get it. And I gotta say, it's because of you. Believe it or not, I'm actually grateful you closed the door the other day. I really wanted to see you and I really wanted to... I don't know. See you. But fine. I completely respect that you've gotten to the point where shutting me out is good. Honestly I do see that as a good thing. In the long run, anyway. Because yes, I'm hurting. And I miss you. And I'm at the point now where I've started to become that saying - you don't know what you've got til it's gone. I know it doesn't mean diddly squat now, but I need to voice it. Hell, I'd like to voice a lot of things, but there just isn't time. I open tomorrow - I'm already mad at myself for being up this late, let alone needing to shower after I finish posting.

I want to say I'm sorry. I know we broke up and that we both felt at fault, and I know you were there for me all those times in the past year that I really and truly needed someone. So I want to say that I'm sorry for relying on you. I'm sorry for calling you. I'm sorry for texting you. I'm sorry for each and every thing that I did wrong. I did everything wrong. Always have. It was all my fault, and no matter what you post I'll always feel that everything, from Menotah to me saying I love you first to Dani to Northwest to Glo hating me to you being behind at Brown - it's all my friggin fault.

Yes yes, acme of hubris, I know. It's my journal, I'm allowed. You won't read this anyway. You wouldn't even have coffee with me. I don't blame you, but you have no idea how upset I am about that whole thing.

You know what, fuck it. What I feel doesn't matter and never has. What I want doesn't matter and when it did matter, I was wrong anyway, so what the fuck do I actually know anyway? Essentially, in a nutshell, whatever.

I know you're a loner at heart. You made that pretty clear every fall, every time we had a fight, and certainly every Christmas, it was VERY clear. So fine. You're a loner. Good for you. The really annoying part is I've just realised I'm not.

Well, hey, too little too late right? At least I've managed to put an itsy bitsy fraction of what I feel into words. The rest, well, the rest of what I feel is certainly still here, but who's around to listen.

~C

To do:

• Go to Canada Post, exchange SFC shoes
• Canadian Tire?
• Deposit money
• Pay M/C in part
• Charge Pentax battery
• Register for OCAD
• Throw Rogers box off balcony
• Remember to set alarm because you work tomorrow morning, dammit!

All this I have on my list, and yet here I sit, waiting for the Rogers tech guy to figure out what's wrong with my HD terminal.

And oh goodie, it sounds like my terminal is defunct but I no longer have the box or receipt, I may have to pay for a new terminal outright. On the other hand I wanted a new one, but I really didn't want to pay for it right now, I was hoping to con Rogers into giving me one mega-cheap because I'm almost off-contract with all my services. This day just started to suck.

I need more coffee. And hair that doesn't go poodle-like in humidity. But I'll settle for more coffee.

Or write more. Or something. Or caffeinate less. Ha, yeah right. Incidentally, I have no memory of making my LJ skin peacock feathers. Sure is pretty though! Wonder if my iGoogle has one...

Moving along.

Maybe I should try to break a record: most schools attended by a single individual. As of now it's Sheridan, Centennial and U of T. Starting at the end of September Humber and OCAD get added to the list. Incidentally, I still can't say, "OCAD" without at least thinking, "Stupid OCAD kids!" Oh memories. I'm considering adding George Brown to the list also for something culinary-y. Who knew, the girl likes to cook! Girl, woman, whatever, you get the idea. Huzzah for ConEd (Continuing Education for those not in the know.)

Huh. Got distracted. Went downstairs and tanned for an hour, totally forgot I'd left this open. Mildly less caffeinated. Moderately more bored though. Don't know what to do with my afternoon. Have plans for this evening but nothing for today. Could wander by work I suppose. I'd rather go shopping. How very girlie.

Bah. Lunch first, decisions later.